What your Libido is telling you about your health
Sexual Health
Where is your “red room”?
If you could fantasize about having a hot, sexy encounter anywhere in the world, where would it be?
My last blog highlighted the nation’s infatuation with the female erotic novel, Fifty Shades of Grey. In this romantic novel, the virginal female protagonist, Anastasia Grey, engages in sexual encounters with the gorgeous, multifaceted male hero, Christian Grey. In his house, Christian and Anastasia explore the boundaries of their sexual relationship in a small, ….. coined, “ the red room”.
And while we might fantasize about having a “red room” built into our own homes, where else would you dream about fueling the fires of desire?
Can you guess what the #1 place was for women? For men?
An intriguing study, recently done by the Durex Corporation, posed this exact question to 1,000 American adults, ages 18 and older, between March 16- March 23, 2012. Interestingly, the Durex Corporation manufactures condoms and conducts multiple titillating trials on sexual health every year. In this particular study, called the InSync Study, the top tryst sites to “get it on” were surveyed.
What was the number one place for women? The Eifel Tower! Yes, the highest percentage of women interviewed, 33 percent, fantasized about a sexual rendezvous at this romantic icon nestled in the heart of Paris.
For men? Amazingly, the White House! Thirty-one percent of the men polled chose the site associated with extreme power — and where some of our past presidents have even engaged in romantic interludes.
How can we explain these results? Interestingly, quite easily. Women, in general, love romance. Just imagine hearing the sweet sound of French music playing in the background, the smell of….in the air, the slight breeze brushing across your cheeks, the taste of his gentle kiss as you both gaze upon the river Seine. Wow, even I was being carried away with that one!!
For men, sexual fantasy is more about power. The White House is the ultimate symbol of authority, respect and command of our nation.
Why do we fantasize about having sex in mysterious places? Because too many of our sex lives are in a “rut” and need some major resuscitation! In fact, half of Americans interviewed in this same study were dissatisfied with their bedroom escapades. Of respondents interviewed, 37% admitted that their intimate time ends far too quickly. On the flip side, 14% revealed that sex lasts longer than they would like.
Some good news…
Even before Fifty Shades of Grey hit the shelves and heated women’s sexual desires across the country, Americans were already becoming more adventurous in the bedroom. According to another study by Durex, called the Durex Global Sexual Wellbeing Survey , which interviewed over 29,000 adults, aged 18 and older, between Sept 6 and October 3, 2011, American couples are actually trying new things to spice it up and get more “in sync” in the bedroom. These included using new types of lubricants (53%), adult toys and aids (39%), and rings (11%).
Can’t fly to Paris or Washington, D.C.? Or build your own red room?
Well, here are some places to heat things up in your home.
Top 5 places to have sex – around the house!
1. In the shower. Lathering each other with body wash can get you both incredibly squeaky clean as well as get you feeling sensuous.
2. In the bath tub. If the shower sounds a bit too acrobatic, run a bubble bath, soak in the wonderful…. And give each other a foot massage. Then feel free to massage other places.
3. In the kitchen. Remember the scene from “The Mailman Always Rings Twice”? Maybe while cooking up a delicious meal with your honey, sipping a glass of wine, slowly stirring the garlic simmering in the olive oil… you get the drift!
4. In the backyard. Just make sure that there are some trees or other shrubs to obstruct your neighbor’s view!
5. In the laundry room… think spin cycle.
Citations:
1) InSync Study, Durex Corporation, http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/durex-survey-reveals-what-americans-really-want-in-the-bedroom-149464045.html
2) Durex Global Sexual Wellbeing Survey: http://www.durex.com/en-ca/sexualwellbeingsurvey.
Fifty Shades of Grey – Erotica meets BDSM… Healthy Sexual Fantasy or Flagrant Sexual Violence?
Not since the Kamasutra was released, has a book created such a stir, sexually speaking! The book is Fifty Shades of Grey – It’s name insinuates a multitude of meanings with sexual content raising eyebrows across the country. Some critics claim that the explicit scenes of bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism (BDSM) are “disturbing” and depict flagrant violence against women. Others have applauded the book for waking up the dormant sex drives of American women, who are buying up the book in droves, touting it as “Mommy Porn” and “Twilight for Adults”.
Having heard the numerous rumors , I felt compelled to explore what truly was being discussed at water coolers, book clubs, playgrounds, and senior citizen centers across the country.
Let’s start with a little history behind the book. Apparently, Fifty Shades of Grey, written by E.L. James, began as fan fiction of the “Twilight” series , and was independently published.(1) Through numerous social media networks, word of mouth, and women-centric blogs, the trilogy, Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and Fifty Shades Freed, now occupies the top 3 spots on the New York Times Fiction List! As one would have predicted, the rights for the trilogy were recently acquired by Vintage Books for a seven-figure sum and plans for a star-studded Hollywood movie are in the making.
So why all the buzz?
Well, it has to do with the controversial topic of BDSM which does not routinely appear in romance novels. This book explores what it is that women are seeking within an intimate relationship. Is it to be submissive? Or be taken away? According to author, E.L. James, it’s probably a bit of both. Her protagonist, Anastasia Steele is a young and sexually naive college student who is seduced by a rich, powerful, bondage-loving billionaire, Christian Grey. Grey proposes a contract to Steele which would allow him complete control over her life, both inside and outside of the bedroom walls.
For many readers, the book is an unfolding romance of vulnerability that extends beyond the normal comfort zones of sexual experiences. Others claim that the explicit sexual scenes constitute a woman’s “rape fantasy”. This is where the controversy really starts to heat up. Do women truly want to be submissive and dominated by a man or do they want to merely fantasize about it?
Maybe, female readers relish in the fantasy of being dominated and controlled within the framework of the “red play room” while not agreeing to being dominated by men outside of this arena. According to Rachel Kramer Bussel, former sex columnist and editor of the Best Bondage Erotica of 2012, “it’s about consensually playing with power and eroticizing it in a safe environment.” (2)
What is erotica? Fifty Shades of Grey is the ultimate example of erotica, or romance fiction. Women are magnetized to this, rather than hard core porn. This lies in the fact that erotica and romance novels describe the written form of sexual intimacy, vulnerability and self-exploration. In fact, according to recent statistics, the romance genre generated approximately $1.37 billion ( yes, billion!) in sales, constituting the “single largest share of the fiction market.” In that same year, at least 74.8 million people read a romance novel, with over 90 percent being women. ( 3). Compare this to approximate 100 million men the US and Canada who accessed porn online in 2008. Amazingly, erotica now produces more revenue than does online pornography for men.
Why are women drawn to erotica? Let’s put on our science hats on for a minute. As we all know, men and women differ in many ways— in their sexual drives, sexual responses and stimuli for sexual arousal. In general, men are more visual creatures compared to women who are more auditory and imaginative. This helps explain why men gravitate towards hard core porn literally showing all the graphic details while women would rather ponder the romance, imagining how they might create the scene in their own heads. To put it bluntly, women want to imagine their sexual fantasy, linger in it and feel connected, appreciated and fully understood by the romantic hero. This differs greatly from porn, where there usually is not much story line or character development, but rather consists of impersonal , anonymous, orgasm-driven sex.
Deducing from the fact that so many women across the country are ravenously consuming this book there may be some things missing in our intimate relationships. Aside from reading romance novels, let me share some tips with you to spice up your sex drive and fill in some of the missing pieces.
1. Pamper yourself with some new perfume, new lingerie or hair-do. A small, subtle change can stimulate your libido and boost your self-confidence.
2. Start appreciating your body – stand in the mirror and look at your curves. Know that these curves make you a woman and attractive to your partner.
3. Focus on saying one positive comment about your body, everyday, starting now.
It’s amazing how you’ll feel a sexual shift just by affirming these positive statements. Whatever your belief may be, there is definitely one truth: this book is getting women talking about sex, and stirring up libidos – both in and out of the bedroom!
Have you read it yet? I want to hear your comments!
Citations:
1. James, E.L. Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy, Fifty Shades Darker: Book Two of the Fifty Shades Trilogy, Fifty Shades Freed: Book Three of the Fifty Shades Trilogy, Vintage Books, April 1, 2012
2. http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2012/03/14/erotic-novel-50-shades-grey-unites-women-unnerves-some-men/
3. Ogas, Ogi and Gaddam, Sai. A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the World’s Largest Experiment Reveals About Human Desire, Dutton: Penguin Books, USA, 2011
Can’t remember the last time you had sex?
Well maybe it’s time to share some intimacy with your partner!
It has long been known that exercise may have many health benefits, decreasing mortality, improving cardiovascular function and decreasing risk of heart attack, enhancing cognitive functioning and improving depression. This effect has been shown in older individuals as well as in individuals who complain of memory difficulty. Many of us may fear that we are developing “pre-senile dementia” when we experience minor memory lapses during the day. Most likely these are due to fatigue and brain overload, rather than true brain pathology. Yet, if we implement new health strategies, like more sex and exercise, we will be improving our brain function.
When do we start seeing decreased mental sharpness?
It is now estimated there are more than 36 million people in the US over the age of 65 and that many of them will be impacted by cognitive decline and brain atrophy associated with normal aging. Strong evidence indicates that memory and cognitive skills start declining by age 50. (1). The prevalence of dementia ranges from 5% to 10% (2.) and that of mild cognitive impairment (MCI) ranges from 12% – 18% (3). This decline in cognitive tasks has a critical impact on the quality of life. To improve the quality of life, it is essential for individuals of all ages to implement healthy strategies to improve brain health –and wouldn’t having more sex be a fun way to do this?
How does having more sex help the brain?
With any form of exercise – and let’s face it, sex is a form of exercise – blood flow increases. The increased circulation of blood transports oxygen-enriched blood to the hypothalamus, the center of the brain for memory and learning. One study done by Yaffe and colleagues followed over 5,900 women (more than 65 years old) for 6 to 8 years with baseline self-report exercise measures (4). Women with a greater physical activity level at baseline experienced less cognitive decline during the 6 to 8 years of follow-up: cognitive decline occurred in 17%, 18%, 22% and 24% of those in the highest, third, second and lowest quartiles of blocks walked per week, respectively.
This also holds true for men. In a study of 2,257 men, the risk of dementia was 1.8 fold increased in men who walked the least (less than 0.25 miles/day) compared to those who walked more than 2 miles/day (17.8 versus 10.3/1,000 person-years) (5).
Interestingly, a recent review of over 11 studies of aerobic exercise programs for healthy older persons also indicated improved cognitive function with fitness improvement. The most consistent effects were seen with thought processing and attention, as well as memory, language and visuospatial skills (6).
So what are we waiting for?
Get out there and start spending some time with your partner frolicking in the hay!
Yet, if you or your partner is not physically able to have sex, think of some creative and romantic ways to be intimate. One idea: pack up a picnic lunch and go for a long stroll on the beach or in the mountains. Hold hands, enjoy the view and the connection with your partner— knowing that you’re helping your hearts, your brains and raising spirits!
Citations:
1. Salthouse, T.A. Memory aging from 18-80. Alzheimer Dis Assoc Disord. 2003; 17: 162-167.
2. Plassman, BL et al. Prevalence of dementia in the United States; the aging, demographics and memory study. Neuroepidemiology, 2007; 29: 125-132.
3. Petersen, R. et al. The Mayo Clinical Study of Aging: Incidence of Mild Cognitive Impairment. Alzheimers Dement 2008; 4: T130.
4. Yaffe,K et al. A prospective study of physical activity and cognitive decline in elderly women: women who walk. Arch Intern Med. 2001; 161: 1703-1708.
5. Abbott, RD et al. Walking and Dementiain physically capable elderly men. JAMA. 2004; 292:1447-1453.
Angevaren M, et al. Physical activity and enhanced fitness to improve cognitive function in older people without known cognitive impairment. Cochrane Database Syst Rev. 2008. P. CD005381
Maybe it’s not similar interests, looks, horoscope signs or proximity that make men and women fall madly in love., but actually their body smell. Scientists specializing in the field of evolutionary psychology have long known the dramatic effect of pheromones in sexual attraction. Pheromones are subtle chemical signals released in the air which draw pairs of the same species together.
In mice, experiments showed that pheromones acted as attractants between male and females who were genetically similar except that they differed in a certain set of genes, known as the major histocompatibility complex (MHC)(1). This complex plays a key role in immune function. Individuals with different MHC’s would produce offspring with a stronger, more resilient immune system, thus conferring a distinct survival advantage.
What about in humans, who aren’t particularly known for their keen sense of smell? Could females sniff out the scent of their potential sexual partners?
A recent research study done by Swiss zoologist, Claus Wedekind, answered this question (2). In his “sweaty T-shirt” experiment, he recruited volunteers, 49 women and 44 men based on their distinct MHC gene types. He gave all of the male volunteers clean t-shirts to wear for two nights and then instructed them to be returned. In the laboratory, the T-shirts were placed in individual boxes equipped with a smelling hole and asked each female volunteer to sniff the boxes and rate the odor as to intensity, pleasantness, and sexiness.
The results were striking! Women overwhelmingly preferred the scent of T-shirts worn by the men whose MHC differed from their own and described them as the most “sexy”. The T-shirts worn by the males with similar MHC profiles were rated as “fatherly” or “brotherly” — definitely not “relationship” material.
Interestingly, in this same study, women taking the birth control pill did not show this same preference for different MHC genotypes. The theory is that the pill generates a physiological state similar to pregnancy, thereby inhibiting ovulation and hormones produced by the ovary during each menstrual cycle. Pill-users preference for MHC-similar scents turned out not to be a mate preference, but instead a preference of the smell of genetic relatives who would help them from a nepotistic perspective rather than a reproductive one.
In fact, through interviews of hundreds of patients, I have found that those in the happiest relationships with most satisfying sex lives actually crave the smell of their partner. Not only is it their physical appearance or personality that attracts them, but also the distinct smell of their body that gets the sexual juices flowing.
Here are three tips to put the power of scent back into your sex life!
1) Take a good whiff of some of his clothes, like his t-shirt or sweatshirt.
How does it make you feel? Do you think arousing thoughts or think he needs to immediately get his laundry done? Many women feel comfortable and safe when wearing their partner’s shirts because they are picking up his scent, whether it’s conscious or unconscious.
2) Experiment with some scent-sational aphrodisiacs.
Recent studies conducted by the Smell and Taste Research Foundation in Chicago found some powerful smells to boost his arousal (3). Specifically, the combined scent of lavender and pumpkin pie, as well as donuts and black licorice, increased blood flow to the penis by nearly 40 percent! Buy some pumpkin pie spice or lavender candles and place them around the house… and see how the sparks fly!
3) Smell-train your partner.
In general, women have a keener sense of smell than men. By wearing certain scents which your partner enjoys, he will be more attentive. An interesting cue that could subtly tell him that you’re in the mood, would be to put a few dabs of your favorite perfume on the nape of your neck and behind your ears. When he picks up this scent, he’ll know that all systems are go!
Questions for reflection:
• So what scent turns you on?
• What turns your partner on?
Experiment with various combinations of smells and create your own signature relationship smell.
Please share your findings with me and the other readers. ..Who knows, maybe your “scent” suggestions will spark up someone else’s presently dormant sex life!
Citations:
1. Yamazaki, K., Yamaguchi, M., Baranoski, L., Bard, J., Boyse, E.A. & Thomas, L. (1979). Journal of Experimental Medicine, 150: 755-760.
2. Wedekind, C., Seebeck.T., Bettens, F. & Paepke, AJ., (1995). MHC-Dependent Mate Preferences in Humans. Proceedings of the Royal Society of London, Series B: Biological Sciences, vol. 260 (n. 1359): 245-249.
3. http://www.senseofsmell.org/sosi-bookshelf-detail.php?value=Sensuality&cat=Sensuality
As Thanksgiving nears and we are reminded of the people in our lives who we are grateful for, take a moment to let your partner know what he or she means to you. This type of communication will improve your relationship in general, as well as spill over into the bedroom.
During times of
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Men and women are literally “wired” differently for sex. For example, eighty-five percent of men ages 20 to 30 have thoughts about sex every 52 seconds… no wonder they can’t remember to take out the garbage!
Women of the same age think about sex about once a day… except at the time of ovulation — the most fertile time — when women think about sex three to four times per day. Let’s face it, ladies…
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What message is your bedroom sending?
Is it a place that invites open and intimate communication? 
Is it conducive to rest and relaxation?
Believe it or not, how you and your partner decorate your bedroom does in fact influence the quality of your sex life. The ancient Chinese principle of Feng Shui, placing certain objects and structures in a harmonious fashion as well as implementing colors, compass directions, and natural elements like wood, minerals, fire, water and earth is thought to attract good energy and fortune. You can use the same principals to transform your bedroom into a romantic retreat – a “love shack”!
In order to preserve the bedroom as a sacred place for you and your partner, use it only for sleep and intimacy. Avoid distractions such as computers, work materials, exercise equipment, or television. According to a recent study, “If there’s no television in the bedroom, the frequency of sexual
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photo credit: MrBG
Subject: A Little Help Please
Hello,
I am asking for a little help in boosting my libido, and helping my wife get in the mood through fragrances in the bedroom. Any advice or ideas would be appreciated. Thank you.
W
Hello W -
Thank you for your email. I’m glad you wrote as I do have some suggestions that I think will help you and your wife…
Researchers at the Smell and Taste Treatment Research Foundation in Chicago have conducted trials to gauge women’s sexual response to certain scents. By measuring the blood flow to the vagina, various odors were tested to evaluate arousal. You might be surprised at what they found! Among those scents found to increase
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photo credit: Paul-in-London
If your partner’s doctor diagnoses him with erectile dysfunction, he may be prescribed a medication such as Viagra. While this little blue pill has done wonders for men, it has not panned out to be a panacea for women. For men, Viagra causes smooth muscle relaxation, which increases blood flow to the penis, allowing it to engorge and become erect. In women, the issue with
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